Well, well we meet again! And just look at the ass on you! Sexxxxy! Ya, it's been quite awhile but there was nothing I could do about it. Well, OK, I did have the last 4 days off, but I was busy. I had things to do, yes thats right, I do have a life away from you. I was waiting patiently for my EastCoastLips stickers. I was online, yes, but I just can't blog on dial up. Why are you being like that when I'm like this?? We've got all day to blog, calm down, relax, deep breaths, thats it, thats it, there ya go! Isn't that better?
On the edge of darkness last night, trying to get to sleep for an hour or two before souptime came along, I drifted into this nether region somewhere between sleep and wake. I've been there before, but the usual dark and muddy images which float before my semi-subconscience were replaced by brighter images, more detail than I'd ever experienced in the past, and an overall sense of dread and impending doom perpetuated itself into these brighter than normal images. Kind of the opposite of what you would correlate when comparing associations of colours with emotion and state of mind. Light is good, dark is bad was not holding up in this instance. This was more than I was expecting to endure to try and get myself a good nights sleep.
When I think about the most peaceful sleep I have ever had, I think I may have actually had an out of body experience that night. I went to sleep that night, in a manner I have tried to repeat unsuccessfully for a number of years, arms folded across my chest, lying on my back trying to clear my mind of all the garbage and stress which had become such a prevelent part of my daily existance at that time.
I have no idea from where this process for clearing my mind appeared. I was watching alot of X-files back then, but this technique seems to me in retrospect to be based in the Oriental and/or Indian disciplines of Yoga or Tai-Chi. With eyes closed, focusing on a small point far in the distance of the darkness that exists only in the absence of vision, make that same far away point into a tiny white light and slowly expand this light until it encompasses your entire field of vision to become a blank sheet of paper. Where DID I get this shit? Anyway, this seemed to have cleared my mind to the point that I was temporarily existing, somehow, on a higher plane. It is the last thing I remembered that night, the singular vision of nothingness, a blank sheet, an open page, which sticks in my memory and every couple of months gives way to another failed attempt at reaching an inner peace through a motionless, dreamless night of spiritually replenishing and restfull sleep.
Last night was one of these attempts gone horribly awry.
Simply attempting to relive this incredible state of mind, or maybe a lack of a state of mind is a better discription of the exact feeling, happens to be incredibly mentally draining. Imagine, like psychokenesis uses your mind to move and control physical objects, what I was attempting to recreate uses your mind to force your mind into a temporary complete system shut down, sort of like a much needed reboot. I believe this may bring us very close to death and that would explain why it is so hard to recreate this experience. The mind is fighting against what is in it's own best interest for some reason and this death explaination came one step closed to being fact last night.
Halloween! Taken from an original festival called Samhain a few thousand years ago, traditionally a paint your face and then stuff it with candy day for most of us, but it was started as a celebration, a three day festival (Oct.31-Nov.2nd) to honour the last harvest and the Pagan and Wiccan NewYear. The Druids belived that the barriers between the living and the spiritual world were not as solid on Samhain (pronounced "sow-en") as during the rest of the year and going insearch of enlightenment from their dearly departed they would cross into this other world through the help of spirit travel, achieved through exhausting ritual. Well, now to explain the history lesson.
Last night, on Halloween, I attempted to achieve the best possible slumber I've ever known and it didn't work. Instead of turning the tiny point of light into an empty image, I was presented with points of light too numerous to count, and after selecting one of these points and attempting to single it out and concentrate hard enough to remove the other distractions, I felt I was being sucked into that pinhole in the distance and would have to break my connection with this sort of insatiable presence which had entangled me and was pulling me in! It felt like I would imagine it would feel to be sucked into another dimesion, my body left lying still while the rest of my very essense is projected to some remote location, dimension or time. This is NOT how I remember the best sleep I ever had beginning, way back when but I was still not so sure. So I tried a few more of these points, only to arrive at the same disturbing end and then just I gave up. I was going to resign myself to an evening of pityfully unenjoyable sleep but after so much psychic jumping jacks and mental torment, saddely I was prevented from a basic rest period by the results of the pursuit of more relaxing one, and I am now running on little more then 2 hours shuteye, and a pissy sleep that was too! I think I'll wait til after the 2nd of Nov before I try this again, just to be sure I'm still here when the time to wake up rolls around! But then again.....
